Friday, August 25, 2017

A Potluck Story (script)

After the weight of last week's blog, I have something lighter to offer. This script my first short drama, and it's strictly for fun.  It's a little parody of the delightful contradictions of church potluck.*

A Potluck Story

Visitor and two hosts enter, holding paper plates and plastic forks. They approach a table which the table of potluck food, although there are no other props, and the food on the table is imaginary. Actors will look at, pick up, and read labels on this imaginary food.

Host 1 is trying to make a good impression, and is more and more embarrassed as the skit progresses. Host 2 is having fun, and approves of the food thoroughly. Visitor approaches the potluck table with enthusiasm, which turns to confusion, and finally to distaste.

Visitor--Thanks for inviting me to your church--I really liked it. And why didn't you tell me you had a dinner afterward? I could have at least picked up some KFC.

Host 1--Oh that's all right. We wouldn't want you to bring anything. You're our guest.

Host 2--And besides, we don't serve any meat at our potlucks.

Visitor--You mean you're all vegetarians?

Host 1--Yes

Host 2--No

Host 1--What I mean is, we like to eat vegetarian, because it's healthier, and we really care about health here.

Visitor--Oh, I get it. Because meat has all that fat and cholesterol?

Host 1--Exactly. So we eat other things for our proteins.

Visitor (reading a label on a dish)--"Tofu cheese loaf"?

Host 1 (embarrassed)--Yeah, um, why don't you try these? I made them--gluten-free oat burgers.

Visitor--These? (Pointing)

Host 2--No, those are the gluten burgers.

Visitor--I'm confused. And what's this? (Picking up something, and sounding out the word on the label) Veg-a-naise?

Host 1--That's like mayonnaise, it's just made without the egg.

Host 2--Since eggs are so bad for you.

Visitor--But aren't those deviled eggs over there?

Host 1--Well, yes, but--

Host 2 appears to suddenly notice the (imaginary) deviled eggs, and eagerly serves 2 or 3 onto their plate.

Visitor--You know, maybe I'll have salad. Do you have salads?

Host 1--Right here. Here's a Ramen noodle salad, and a taco salad, though I guess that one's mostly ranch dressing.

Visitor—Is that a fruit salad? It looks like Cool Whip and canned oranges.

Host 2 (proudly)--And marshmallows!

Visitor--You know, I'm really not all that hungry. Maybe I could just have a cup of coffee.

Host 1 and 2(gasping and dropping their plates)--COFFEE?!

*Please note--this script is for entertainment only. I am seriously not making a statement about what we eat or what we should eat.  That's between you and your conscience.  And, of course, the church-kitchen police.


  1. You should check out my website - The Potluck Vegetarian.

    We deal with the burning issues surrounding potluck etiquette and the practice of counting Vegan coup among contributors to the feast. We at PLV believe potluck's are celebratory and that, like Ellen White's cookie jar that she kept for local children, there is a place at the potluck table for fun food that may not be approved of by our most fanatic "vegetarians waiting for the coming of the Lord" as one such person described herself to me. At one of the best regular potlucks in the continental United States. we describe our Sabbath lunches as "celebratory" and explain that most SDAs are either complete vegetarians or practical part-time vegetarians. We serve a full range of vegetarian cuisine from full Vegan to lacto-ovo vegetarian. One group I saw once used to bring little stacks of 3x5 cards with the recipes of the dishes they were bringing. If you liked the dish, you could take one of the cards. The potluck served that way as an educational activity to in order to help new Adventists learn SDA cookery.

    SDA potlucks offer some of the most amazing food and I've collected some of the peculiar inventions of SDA chefs like haystacks, oatmeal patties and cottage cheese loaf and posted them on my website. The Potluck Vegetarian turned out to be one of my most popular blogs and we get some wonderful recipes from all over Adventistan.

    With regard to your blog this week, my suggestion is that the more steely-eyed Christians among us create a kind of resistance to the self-appointed church kitchen Gestapo. It turns out not to be that hard to deflate the militant vegans. I like to invoke the Golden Rule.

    Potlucks can be a powerful witnessing tool for Christ (or for the devil if you do it right).

    Tom King